The following is purely for entertainment purposes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Really, reviewers are wonderful, well-read people with purely selfless intentions, and excellent senses of humor. 😀
Yesterday David talked about believing in your art and trying not to stress about reviews that are less than pleasant. You can’t please everyone, we learn that early. But what if the reviewer has some ulterior motive? Maybe he’s an unsuccessful novelist himself. Maybe her first novel only sold twelve copies and she’s determined to improve her sales numbers by ruining yours. Hey, that’s it! It’s not your book at all, it’s them! Here are some common phrases in negative reviews that don’t mean what you think they mean.
This plot is completely derivative.
The reviewer is already 250 pages into his own novel about the gunslinging frog prince Reynaldo, and here you’ve already sold a book about a gunslinging frog prince named Roberto. How dare you!!??
It’s meandering and convoluted.
You managed to weave four separate story lines into one brilliant plot, and the reviewer can’t decide if she’s impressed or jealous.
There are so many problems with the books that I can’t list them all.
There’s not actually anything wrong with the book, but the reviewer was late for a phone date with an editor who might buy his book, and guess which subject was higher on his mind?
The purple and flowery language is distracting.
You clearly have a more extensive vocabulary than the reviewer, and he got tired of looking up words he should have learned before he took the SAT.
The plot lacks any real direction.
You killed the reviewer’s favorite character. No point in reading further.
I’ve read better fanfic written by a ten-year-old boy.
Because the reviewer is that boy.
There’s so much subtextual obscenity it could be a porn magazine.
Okay, no one in the story so much as holds hands, but the reviewer can still tell what you were up to. Everyone knows you perverted writers are trying to push your sick agendas on the world. Someone has to protect the children, damn it!
The characters are one-dimensional and dull.
The female lead reminded the reviewer too clearly of the girl who tormented her all through high school.
I wanted to love this book.
No, he didn’t, but it sounds nicer to say that before he shreds your work to confetti.
See, don’t you all feel better now?