MW Giveaway Week, Day Two!

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Sometimes the holiday season can get people stressed and worried. I was out shopping yesterday with my son, and we were having a good time together. As we left one store, I was teasing him about being my personal door opener (you probably had to be there with us, but just stick with me), and we both laughed. A woman near us glared. “I’m glad you can laugh. I’m never going to get my shopping done,” she said as she marched away. I felt terrible for her, that the holidays had become a time of irritation instead of joy.

So today I’m asking for a little bit of laughter from all of you. Tell me a holiday joke. Long ones, short ones, puns, riddles, whatever. Make me laugh. Anytime between now and Thursday night, so you can take a little time to choose the best one. The joke that makes me fall out of my chair will win a signed copy of Mad Kestrel along with assorted little pirate goodies.

Happy Holidays to each and every one of you! May all of your writing dreams come true in the bright new year to come!

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18 comments to MW Giveaway Week, Day Two!

  • Ugh, holiday humor, I’m terrible at holiday humor!

    Err…let’s see. Two store Santas walk into a bar, the third Santa ducks.

    Just kidding. 😉

    Hrmm…
    Elf-Wedge = What happens to Santa when he don’t look where he’s sitting in the workshop. 😀

    There once was a man named St Nick
    Inside my chimney he did stick
    So a fire I started
    And then ol’ Santa farted
    And it shot him back out super quick

    Farts are always funny. Especially when fire’s involved. 😉

  • Daniel, we really need to work on your verse scansion… 🙂

  • Ha! Yeah, my limericks are cute, but I’ve always been a better crafter of tales than of poetry. My tempo is sometimes hit or miss.

  • L. Jagi Lamplighter

    Let’s hope your laughter helps her at some level.

    Don’t know any holiday jokes. Boo. ;-(

  • All I know is Santa better have a windshield and wipers on that sleigh! Can you imagine flying at super high speeds to get to all the houses with the reindeer in front? And I thought having a bird poop on your car window while driving was bad! Yikes!

    Santa: “Alright, which one of you jokester chuckle-heads fed the reindeer bran!” 😉

  • Todd

    Dear Santa,

    I have been very good this year.

    Please bring me…

    A Public Transportation System consisting of a teleportation pad.

    Movies beamed into my head.

    A Road Runner Black Hole.

    Bacon wrapped Cheetos!

    George Clooney scented Downy.

  • Deb Smythe

    Not quite a joke, but maybe good for some grins.
    Sung to the tune of Oh Holy Night.

    Oh holy sh*#!
    The words are brightly shining
    It is the night of our dear novel’s birth
    Long lay NY in gin and snark a-pining
    Till Book appeared and NY felt its worth.
    A thrill of hope the weary Ed rejoices
    For yonder breaks a not too spurious voice!

    Pound on your keys
    Oh hear the keyboard clacking
    Oh words of mine
    Oh words which were not scorned
    Oh words of mine
    Oh words of mine

  • I don’t know much holiday humor, either. My favorite was always the rip-off on “Night Before Christmas” that my brothers and sister used to tell me. I don’t know how far they got with it, but the beginning went thus:

    ‘Twas the night before Christmas,
    And all through the garage,
    Not a creature was stirring,
    Not even a Dodge.
    The tires were hung,
    By the chimney with care,
    In hopes that Saint Nicholas,
    Would fill them with air…..

    Merry, merry to you, Todd, and the Beetle, Misty.

  • Sean Adams

    •What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Tiger stopped at three ho’s!

  • So this might not be the most appropriate for some audiances but it made me giggle when i thought of it.

    “Holy Shit, Jesus! That’s a stinky diaper,” Mary exclaimed covering her mouth. Holding the cloth by its edges, the virgin mother walked outside to add it to the manure pile. “Oh, my God, that’s a load of crap,” she added as she tried to shake the diaper clean.

    happy holidays!

  • My little brother is nearly 6 years younger than I am. Now that’s nothing, but as a kid that’s a tremendous gulf. I was probably 11 or so, and just starting to explore the slightly off-color jokes that were passed around at school (at least pre-Internet; 11-year-olds now probably have a much different experience).

    The latest one was winter-themed, and was risque enough, to my young mind, that parents should never ever hear it.
    Q: Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
    A: Because he saw the snowblower coming!

    But my 5-year-old brother did overhear, and in the way of small children ran off to tell our parents this new thing he learned. I was mortified, and my parents were quite perplexed to hear his new joke:
    Q: Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
    A: Because he saw the snowplow coming!
    My brother thought it was hilarious, though I never understood quite why.

  • Robin

    This is my own Christmas adulteration of my favorite joke:

    Just before Christmas last year, Santa and Rudolph were taking a break from wrapping presents and, over flagons of Egg Nog, got to lamenting about the number of people on the Naughty list. As they discussed ways to bulk up the Nice list, Rudolph suggested that they leave a card in Naughty-list stockings, with a little note from Santa, asking them to be nicer during the next year. Santa thought that was a good idea, but at odds with their policy of Coal-Only-for-Naughties (and, indicentally, rather cost-prohibitive). Instead, Santa suggested leaving cards in all the Nice-list stockings, asking the Nicies to encourage their Naughty friends and relatives to be nicer. Since the Nice list was so much shorter, Rudolph agreed and they prepared a brief note. Of course, you know what it said….

    …. What? You didn’t get one?

  • I loved every single one of these! I would *try* to tell a joke, but I think joke telling is genetic, and I got my mom’s genes. *No one* wants me to try and tell/write a joke.

  • Sorry, I never learned any clean jokes. I worked in construction as a teen.

    (dirty) What do Mrs. Claus and the female reindeer do on Christmas Eve while Santa is out delivering gifts? They go into town and blow a few bucks.

    (also dirty) How do you know beer nuts are more expensive than deer nuts? A bag of beer nuts are about $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck.

  • Gina St.Phillips

    The kids always get me…age four seems to be the funniest

    This is from my coworker’s daughter, Marlee:

    (while getting tucked in to bed) “Mommy, I wish you were Santa Claus. It would be so cool to live with Santa.”

    I think that bodes well for when she gets the news, don’t you? LOL

    This is from my nephew, Christopher:

    When driving down the street the week before Thanksgiving, someone pointed out to Christopher a Christmas light display on one of the houses in the neighborhood. Christopher smacked himself in the forehead and exclaimed with utter frustration, “ONE HOLIDAY at a TIME!”

    He’s 17 now and that story has been told at least 17,000 times. Poor Chris, lol.

  • Judy

    From my 8 year old nephew:

    What happens when a Irish Setter and a Pointer kiss under
    the mistletoe?
    You get a Pointsetter.

  • Squeak

    I don’t know much of holiday humor, but this quote amused me when looking up ideas for what to pass around for New Years:

    Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
    -Bill Vaughan

  • Mike

    Too late for the contest, but hey.

    What do snowmen ride?

    Icycles