My List for Santa


Dear Santa:

First of all, I want to assure you that I have been very good this year.  Really.  I’ve put my butt in my chair many, many days.  (My butt’s actually a little flat and wide at this point for all the BIC I’ve done.  But that’s probably more than you wanted to know.)  I’ve met my deadlines.  I’ve dutifully posted at MW every Monday.  I’ve read a bunch, done a ton of research, and tried my best to keep my website up to date.  Oh, and I’ve been nice to my wife and kids and friends.  Just ask them.  Well, maybe don’t ask my teenager, but go ahead and talk to the others.

So, since I’ve been so good, I thought you might like to see my gift list.  It’s not too long.  Well, okay, it’s a little long.  But what do you expect?  I’m a novelist.  You want pithy, go to a short story writer.

Just kidding.  A bit of humor there for you.  You like humor, don’t you?  If not, I apologize.

Maybe I should get to my list….

First of all, I’d like a bestseller.  Which is not to say that I want you to give me a book that is a bestseller.  Not that I have anything against bestsellers.  They’re great.  I’m sure the authors who write them are very happy.  It’s just that, well, what I really want is for my next book to BE a bestseller.  Can you do that?  I mean, I’m sure you can do it.  You’re Santa, after all.  But it would be nice if you did that for me.

I’d also like a movie contract for one of my books.  Or several.  All would be great.  But that’s probably asking a lot.  Why don’t we start with one?

Nice reviews would be, well, nice.  I understand that we’re in a tricky area here.  I’m kind of asking you to bend people’s opinions, which might not be kosher.  (It doesn’t offend you when I use the word “kosher,” does it?  I hope not.)  Let’s do it this way:  if you could be really nice to the people who give me good reviews, and give broken glass and rusty nails to the people who crap on my books, that would be great.  (It doesn’t offend you when I use the word “crap,” does it….?)

Also, do you know Oprah?

There are also a few things I want that can actually be put under a tree.

Like a Hugo, a Nebula, and a World Fantasy Award.  I don’t need all three in one year (though that would be really cool!) but I would like to get started on a collection of shiny new hardware.

I should ask for other stuff, too, shouldn’t I?  I mean it’s not all about ego and money, is it?  It’s also about material goods.

I would love a new laptop.  A mac.  One of those really, really thin ones that’s lightning fast and wicked cool looking and mega-expensive.  I need it for work.  Seriously.

I’m also wondering about a new muse.  Not that I don’t like my old muse.  But she is getting a little long in the tooth, as they say, and I’m interested in writing some different stories and books this year, so I thought that a new muse might be in order.  Just do me a favor:  don’t get it from the same place Faith got hers.  I mean, yuck!

And that’s all!  See, I told you it wasn’t too long.  It’s not like I’m being greedy or anything.  Thanks, Santa!



PS.  What do I REALLY want for the holidays this year?  Love and laughter, health and happiness; great successes in the coming year for my colleagues here at MW (and, yes, for me, too); story and book sales for our devoted readers; and peace, joy, and freedom for all the people of the world.  May all of you have a merry holiday!

David B. Coe


16 comments to My List for Santa

  • Funny (both amusing and odd) that my list looks a lot like this too! By the way, David, if your muse is getting long in the tooth, it’s clearly time you hopped on the vampire bandwagon. Just make sure your muse is long in the TEETH (plural) and they are the right ones. A vampire with oversized molars might not work. “Keep still vhile I am chewing…”

  • Very funny stuff . . . both David and AJ! And while I applaud your reaching for the stars, let’s face it — even Santa can’t get somebody on Oprah. Otherwise, I think your list is completely doable, commendable, and hopefully reusable by each and everyone of us. 🙂 Happy Holidays.

  • Sing it with me — All I want for Christmas is your muses two front teeth, his two front teeth…

    Okay, that was lame.

    As long as we’re wishing for Oprah, I’ll also wish for an extra three or four hours per day. That would come in handy.

  • Beatriz

    Dear Santa–

    Please make sure all the Magical Words authors write (and *sell*) incredible, record-setting, critically acclaimed, wonderfully fabulous best-sellers this year. And while we are asking, how ’bout for the next, oh, let’s say, the next 20 years?

    I really want a staff. 🙂

  • L. Jagi Lamplighter Wright

    > (It doesn’t offend you when I use the word “kosher,” does it? I hope not.)

    This made me laugh. I think Santa would be so pleased that you came to talk to him that he certainly would not mind the kosher. Not sure about the bad language though. ;-p

    Merry Christmas, David. You deserve it all!

  • L. Jagi Lamplighter Wright

    >Sing it with me — All I want for Christmas is your muses two front teeth, his two front teeth…

    I didn’t think it was lame. I was really amused. (Don’t know what that says about my sense of humor. 😉

  • L. Jagi Lamplighter Wright

    > let’s face it — even Santa can’t get somebody on Oprah.

    He got that girl on 34th street a house….

  • Unicorn

    Hey, I like Faith’s infamous Muse… 🙂
    On the first day of Christmas my true love will have to give to me, a movie contract for my book. (Who can do anything with a partridge, anyways?)
    Sorry. Couldn’t resist. Even lamer than Edmund’s, I fear. But I like the extra four hours in a day idea. That would be really great.
    And yeah, merry Christmas everybody, and hope the new year brings many, many successes to all!

  • David, today was Christmas-shopping-with-Dad day. And I *really* needed the giggle-till-I-cried laugh. Thank you *very* much.

    I echo everything you said about the list! Hey, Santa! Me too! Me too! Me too!

    But what’s with the muse insults? He can’t help it that he’s ugly. He’s really good at his job. Looks and wardrobe malfunctions should not count against him. I tried to give him pants so that you would like him better. I chose black leather, thinking that would go with his macho persona and his red leather, hand-stitched cowboy boots. But he cut great big circles out of them. Now they look like chaps, which show the red speedo off quite well. Sigh… I tried. I really did.

  • Great list David… except… that crack about your muse… now that was silly. She can hear you, and make your life worse than hell. You might consider a great act of contrition… soon, like before you ever go near your computer to write again.

    Faith… he’d fit right in at the next Pride Parade!

  • Great list! May it come true. 😀

    I would agree with Ed’s wish for extra hours in the day, except that I’ve found that whenever I have free time, life conspires to fill it.

    Thanks for including us readers.

  • Tom G

    > It doesn’t offend you when I use the word “kosher,” does it? I hope not.<

    Why should he? Jesus was pretty kosher himself, being Jewish and all.

    I like the extra hours wish, too. So few, and so much to do.

  • Thanks for the comments, all. I’ve been on the road all day, hence the lack of replies earlier. And yes, Faith, I do apologize for the muse remark. Just a little joke.

    Warm holiday wishes to all of you.

  • David — I was joking!
    Muse-man is not sensitive about his ugliness and neither am I. Muse-man is ugly by design! I make fun of him too. However, he might keep kosher. I never asked.
    And Widdershins, Muse-man never leaves his office. It’s like his genie bottle. So Pride Parade is out.

  • LOL. David, thanks for the funny post. AJ, Stuart, Ed, Faith, and the rest of you all crack me up.

    Maybe the long-in-the-tooth vampire not be a bad idea. Well, not bad compared to Indiana Banana and the Temple of Rice Krispees. But oh well.

    I’ll take acceptance to Odyssey, finding and agent for Shadowslayer, and a few short story sales to IGMS and Clarkesworld.

    Cheers all,

  • Faith, sweetie, I knew you were kidding. But thanks.

    NGD, thanks for the kind words and for the contribution to the list!