First of all, I want to assure you that I have been very good this year. Really. I’ve put my butt in my chair many, many days. (My butt’s actually a little flat and wide at this point for all the BIC I’ve done. But that’s probably more than you wanted to know.) I’ve met my deadlines. I’ve dutifully posted at MW every Monday. I’ve read a bunch, done a ton of research, and tried my best to keep my website up to date. Oh, and I’ve been nice to my wife and kids and friends. Just ask them. Well, maybe don’t ask my teenager, but go ahead and talk to the others.
So, since I’ve been so good, I thought you might like to see my gift list. It’s not too long. Well, okay, it’s a little long. But what do you expect? I’m a novelist. You want pithy, go to a short story writer.
Just kidding. A bit of humor there for you. You like humor, don’t you? If not, I apologize.
Maybe I should get to my list….
First of all, I’d like a bestseller. Which is not to say that I want you to give me a book that is a bestseller. Not that I have anything against bestsellers. They’re great. I’m sure the authors who write them are very happy. It’s just that, well, what I really want is for my next book to BE a bestseller. Can you do that? I mean, I’m sure you can do it. You’re Santa, after all. But it would be nice if you did that for me.
I’d also like a movie contract for one of my books. Or several. All would be great. But that’s probably asking a lot. Why don’t we start with one?
Nice reviews would be, well, nice. I understand that we’re in a tricky area here. I’m kind of asking you to bend people’s opinions, which might not be kosher. (It doesn’t offend you when I use the word “kosher,” does it? I hope not.) Let’s do it this way: if you could be really nice to the people who give me good reviews, and give broken glass and rusty nails to the people who crap on my books, that would be great. (It doesn’t offend you when I use the word “crap,” does it….?)
Also, do you know Oprah?
There are also a few things I want that can actually be put under a tree.
Like a Hugo, a Nebula, and a World Fantasy Award. I don’t need all three in one year (though that would be really cool!) but I would like to get started on a collection of shiny new hardware.
I should ask for other stuff, too, shouldn’t I? I mean it’s not all about ego and money, is it? It’s also about material goods.
I would love a new laptop. A mac. One of those really, really thin ones that’s lightning fast and wicked cool looking and mega-expensive. I need it for work. Seriously.
I’m also wondering about a new muse. Not that I don’t like my old muse. But she is getting a little long in the tooth, as they say, and I’m interested in writing some different stories and books this year, so I thought that a new muse might be in order. Just do me a favor: don’t get it from the same place Faith got hers. I mean, yuck!
And that’s all! See, I told you it wasn’t too long. It’s not like I’m being greedy or anything. Thanks, Santa!
PS. What do I REALLY want for the holidays this year? Love and laughter, health and happiness; great successes in the coming year for my colleagues here at MW (and, yes, for me, too); story and book sales for our devoted readers; and peace, joy, and freedom for all the people of the world. May all of you have a merry holiday!David B. Coe